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➸ toska
12 December 2012 @ 12:12 pm

let's be friends

➸ toska
24 July 2012 @ 05:49 pm
I'm letting life pass me by. I'm not fully participating in anything. Not in my health, not in my career, not in my family or friends. I was working out for a few weeks, and after those few weeks, I felt like Superwoman, like I could accomplish anything. But I fell off track, and now I can't seem to get back on. What is it going to take to make me realize that I am wasting my life by not being the person who I want to be? The person I am meant to be? I've always felt that there is some greater purpose in this life for me, and I've been stalling it by falling victim to one thing or another. Self doubt, weight issues, addictions of all kinds, general laziness and apathy, as well as crippling depression and anxiety. How do I conquer all of that, or even any of that? A few weeks ago my two bosses lost their daughter when she was struck by a drunk driver. The news was obviously completely unexpected and sent a shock throughout our whole little family at the salon. And just today, a close friend's father-in-law had a heart attack and is completely unresponsive. Such unexpected and tremendously painful experiences should light a fire under my ass, but all they do is scare me more. What is it going to take for me to start living?
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
21 July 2012 @ 11:34 pm
  • I've gained 130lbs. since high school.
  • I had a dream about a tall blond otherworldly male who I am now in love with.
  • This is my life.
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
18 July 2012 @ 04:12 pm
Taking a break from everything to sort shit out. See you when I see you!
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
16 July 2012 @ 07:10 pm
Goal: stop being fucking gross in every way, shape, and form.
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
24 June 2012 @ 10:21 am
So this chick liked one of my fan fiction stories, and when I went to look at her profile, I found this gem. Forever thanking my lucky stars that I will never, ever be a teenager again. She bolded the statements that apparently apply to her, as well as adding the wonderful little side notes, and I italicized my personal favorites.

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.(And I am, so deal with it.)
I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be WEAK.
I live in the COUNTRY, so I MUST live on a farm.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.( Eh, I don't think I am that pretty but some people I know say I am
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.( I really het this one as I have a super awesome friend who is German and she is really cool)
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.(What the heck??)
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm a FEMALE, so I MUST not SWEAR.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.(WTH?? I try to be different and unique on purpose. Where's the fun in being a clone?)
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.(Writing is a art. And a talent I guess. -shrug- BUt I do paint and some of them are pretty.)
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.( I know how to beat the crap out of any body. Except my sister cause.. well, she's my sister.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.( Not to drink. It's just pretty to look at some times.)
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I wear BLACK nailpolish, so I MUST be EMO, GOTH, or PUNK
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times

I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake
I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.

This might be the funniest thing I've found on the internet in a very long time.
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
11 June 2012 @ 12:06 pm
My spending has gotten really out of hand lately, to the point where I'm questioning my sanity. For that reason, I am setting a goal (and reward) for myself. If I can make it through the rest of the summer (that's until the end of August) without any more frivolous spending, I will reward myself with a piece of Bloodmilk jewelry. This is going to be so, so, so difficult for me, the girl who is incapable of denying herself anything, so if you guys have any money-saving tips, I would LOVE to hear them!
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
09 June 2012 @ 09:44 pm
So my extra userpics expired, and I've gone from, like, 200 icons...all the way down to 1. Now I know what everyone was talking about when this happened to them...a year ago...when people still visited this place. It's bizarre to rid myself of some of those icons, not only because I loved them as dearly as a countess loves her jewels, but also because a lot of them represented a wonderful time in my life. Jerome? Urkel? Jasper Shrug? Anyone remember those wonderful moments that got me through not just a summer but a few years of confusion and depression? Hello? Is anybody out there? Well, whether you are or not, I'm going to use this thing to serve as a touchstone of the varying shades of myself (because I know most of us are too busy to reinvent the majesty that was Twatlight/TWIRP). And for the record, I am in no way saying that I dislike my life now and am longing for a complete return to the days of old. Frankly, my life is sweet like cinnamon - I'm just too nostalgic for my own good.

OK let's do this...

Here are a few things I'm loving right now...

This woman has been kicking my ass for the last week or so, making this a love/hate relationship. I hate her during the videos, when she's yelling at me through the TV to push, push, PUSH through the pain. But afterwards, I love her for affording me the opportunity to change my health and my life for the better. And let's face it, she's kind of hot. I have to admit that I'm not following the meal plan that accompanies the videos in her Body Revolution program because I am terrible with diets, especially ones that completely eliminate ALL carbs and sugars. Hello, those are the main components of my diet, and yes, that is one of the factors that got me into this situation in the first place, but that's not the point. My hope is that, with such an immobile lifestyle as mine, any bit of exercise will help in a big way, especially when that exercise is designed to turbo charge one's metabolism. And I'm making little changes here and there to my diet: lots of water, lots of fruits and veggies, smaller portions, etc. As of right now, my results are mixed: I felt like a powerful goddess yesterday, but today I feel like the Blob. If things don't drastically alter within a month, I may have to bite the bullet and try that damn meal plan of hers.

As always, I am obsessed with skincare. It's not enough for me to look good with makeup on; I want to be one of those girls who can wake up in the morning and instantly look radiant and refreshed. Drinking tons of water has definitely helped with that, but I still need some assistance beyond Mother Nature. That's where this Murad toner comes in. I was skeptical of it at first, especially since toners have gotten a bad rap lately for being too drying/containing too much alcohol. But this toner IS AMAZING. Within seconds of swiping it on, my pores feel alive and open and clean. The best way I can think to describe the sensation is as if my skin has been hung on a clothesline in the fresh and pure country air, and the wind is breezing through my open and happy pores. Crazy, I know, but I can't get over the feeling, nor the results! I've been using it for about a week now and my skin has greatly improved. My face is dewier and clearer, with some of the more sizable bumps on my chin (my problem area) shrinking into near oblivion. I highly recommend this product for those with problematic skin, and same goes for St. Ives Naturally Clear Apricot Scrub. The scent is a bit cheap, but it leaves my skin feeling squeaky clean, and just like the toner, the results are stellar.

I need another bottle of perfume like I need another hole in the head. I think I've got about 20 bottles on a tray in my room, and that's not counting the dozens of sample vials. But I find myself always searching for the next evocative scent. For a time I tried to be a signature scent sort of girl, but nothing has stuck with me long enough, and when there are so many beautiful scents and smells in the world, how could you stick to just one? I recently discovered CB I Hate Perfume, which, like the name suggests, is not a traditional perfume brand but is instead a collection of scents that are meant to mimic bits of nature or moments in time. And they use such interesting and rich ingredients! Cedar, tea, smoke, tobacco - very warm and heady smells that would play wonderfully off of the skin. I've gotten to the point where I can't even wear typical perfumes anymore - they're too cloying, and most of the time, all I detect is the alcohol. But I have a feeling that these are going to fit the bill as far as perfumes go for me: dark, natural, mysterious. My favorites: In the Summer Kitchen, Fire from Heaven, and the very pricey Cradle of Light.

OK by far my biggest obsession right now: "Cap" Hatfield from the "Hatfields & McCoys" miniseries. You better believe I watched that shit: not only did it air on one of my favorite and most watched channels (History is underrated), but it's an epic period saga about love, death, feuds, betrayal, family, honor, blah, blah, blah. For the teenage girl in me, all of that translates to one thing: southern boys. Now the way the show presented the Hatfield boys, Johnse was supposed to be the heartthrob of the bunch. But I have rarely, if ever, favored the "typical" man. Frankly, I found Johnse to be wishy washy and annoying, while "Cap" was steadfast and genuine. And Johnse was boring and safe - he was like a walking loaf of white bread! I just loved everything about "Cap" from the way he was just dressed, to the fact that he was the best shot in the family, to that weird ghost eye of his. If anything, it made him more attractive, because let's face it, that has always been my style with men: the weird, the quiet, the artistic, the misunderstood. It's not about trying to change them; it's about wanting to understand them, to be a part of their little niche in the world. I guess I just like things (and men) that are special and different. Not to mention that, with or without the eye, "Cap" is a handsome fella. Ugh, too handsome, to the point where I am considering writing fan fiction. FAN. FICTION. I am 25-YEARS-OLD. I AIN'T GOT NO BUSINESS WRITING FAN FICTION.

...and a few things I am NOT loving right now:
  • "Snow White & the Huntsman." I could write an entire entry about my issues with that movie, but I'll simply say this: visually, I give it 3.5 out of 4 stars. Content wise, I give it a 1.5, maybe a 2 if I'm feeling generous.
  • The new trailer for "Les Mis." Can't Anne Hathaway perform a Heath Ledger? Too soon?
  • The few clips I've seen of the trailer for "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." I probably read that book ten times in my high school career, and in not one single of those readings did I imagine Hermione Granger as Sam.
Alright, productive Saturday night. Good work, Amy.
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: dorkydorky
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
23 May 2012 @ 07:22 pm
Sometimes I feel a lot of resentment and bitterness towards my mother, and I think she feels the same way towards me. She gets so stressed and overworked by every other aspect of her life that she doesn't have any energy left over to have a daughter. She doesn't care about me, about what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. She just sees me as another burden, as another person to appease, even if I'm doing nothing but trying to help her. I swear she likes the dog more than she likes me.

I really just want to disappear for a very long time. I'm so sick of people and their egos, especially mine.
Current Location: Northpointe
Current Mood: empty
Current Music: N/A
➸ toska
10 May 2012 @ 01:40 pm
Also, what I would have worn to the Met Ball:

Marchesa, always.
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: Heart & Soul